What if I Treated My Employees Like I Treat My Kids?
I think a lot about the way I communicate with my kids. Empathy is something that comes naturally for me, but even I struggle with taking the high-road from time-to-time when it comes to my kids. I’ve often used the question of, “How would I talk to a employee about this problem?” when discussing the importance of talking to kids with respect, so I thought it would be fun to walk that through and see how the way I sometimes (regrettably) talk to my kids would play out in a corporate setting…
Scenario 1:
(It’s time for the meeting to start and, despite being asked twice, Karen has yet to come into the conference room.)
ME: (Standing in the entrance of Karen’s cubicle) DUDE. Karen. If I have to ask you one more time, I’m going to lose my temper.
KAREN: (Typing furiously)
ME: WHY ARE YOU IGNORING ME?!?!?!
KAREN: I’m not! I just want to finish this real quick!
ME: (Breathes deeply) You have exactly one minute to finish. YOU ARE MAKING US LATE!!!
KAREN: OK!
(A minute passes and Karen is still working.)
ME: That’s it! (Dramatically rips Karen’s keyboard out of her hands and places it on top of the highest nearby shelf, where it is out of her reach.)
KAREN: But I wasn’t finished! That was an important email to a client! If I don’t get a response to her, we’re going to lose that sale!
ME: I don’t care! It’s time for our meeting and you are NOT being a good listener! Now get in here right now!
KAREN: (Sobs uncontrollably)
Now, obviously, the thing Karen was doing in this example is way more important than what my kids are typically dawdling with, but I really do try to remember that to them, the thing they’re doing IS important. Basically, I lost my shit here and it’s pretty embarassing. I wish I could say I’ve never behaved in this matter. But the way I’d probably handle this in a real business setting would’ve been to…
Calmly ask what was keeping Karen from coming to the meeting. (Side note: I’d wait until I had her full attention before moving onto further questions/comments.)
Assess the urgency of what she’s working on vs. the meeting. Ask myself, “Can this wait?”
If the meeting can wait, I’d tell Karen to come when she’s ready. If the meeting can’t wait, I’d have a serious-yet-calm conversation with her about what needs to happen now.
If this issue was a repeated issue, I’d follow-up later with a one-on-one chat about how we can better communicate when there are competing priorities and/or work on explore strategies for better time management.
Something like that. But I probably wouldn’t take away her stuff violently. Probably.
Scenario 2:
(At an office baby shower, Juan is over in the corner looking sullen. His arms are crossed and he’s barely said a word since entering the room.)
ME: (Annoyed) Whaaat’s wrong now?
JUAN: Nothing.
ME: We’re all here having a good time. Why do you have to act like this?
JUAN: I’m just sad.
ME: (Big sigh + eyeroll)
Granted, when my son is in a bad mood, his “funk” can sometimes manifest in a more disruptive manner, but there are a few things I’d probably do differently if this were a real office scenario…
I’d genuinely act (and be!) concerned about Juan.
I’d kindly ask, “Hey Juan, you don’t seem like yourself…is everything ok?”
I would have ZERO expectation for him to behave/feel/act any differently than he was.
Now, if this was a pattern of behavior where every time we had a social event, Juan was being a sad-sack, I might have a conversation with him about what the root cause might be and help him come up with strategies. But I wouldn’t make him feel like he were somehow inconveniencing the group down because he wasn’t being an adequate level of fun for the rest of us.
Scenario 3:
(Luc is leaving the office early to catch a flight for an industry conference. He’s in his office finishing up some last-minute items.)
ME: Hey Luc, when does your flight leave again?
LUC: Not until 5:10.
ME: Ok, well, it’s almost three…don’t you think you should probably leave now so you don’t hit traffic?
LUC: I think it’ll be ok…I have a few more things I need to take care of before I go.
ME: Ok, well…just don’t be late.
LUC: I won’t.
(I walk out, clearly unsatisfied.)
(15 minutes later)
ME: Sooo…are you sure you don’t want to get going? You’re seriously going to have an issue if you wait any longer.
LUC: I’m ok. I’ll go soon.
ME: Alright…if you say so.
(I leave again)
(10 minutes later)
ME: LUC! You need to go RIGHT NOW.
LUC: Seriously, I really won’t be late. Mike is taking me, so I don’t even have to park and I’m carrying on my bag.
ME: Well, we’re not going to be able to give you your paycheck if you don’t leave now. GO!
LUC: …
I may or may not be comparing getting on a plane to oh-my-god-just-going-to-the-bathroom-already-for-fucksake, but it really is the same. I’m trying to dominate. To control. When, really, (most of) the consequences lie in Luc’s world. It would actually be ok if he messed this up. In real life, here’s what I would’ve likely done…
If I noticed Luc still in his office later than I’d thought wise, I might pop in to wish him safe travels and (with humor) share a tale of a time I almost waited too long.
AND THEN I’D LET IT GO. No more reminders. No nagging. Just let the chips fall where they may.
Amazing that I don’t have to actually be in charge of everyone else’s decisions in my home.
I’ve laughed out loud a couple of times while writing this because it really does point out how ridiculous it is to talk to my children the way I do sometimes. Of course, our children are specially-wired to trigger us in ways only they can do, so I’ll cut myself a little slack. And at the same time, I can do better. Because I want to model the kind of communication I hope they will have in their own personal and professional lives someday.
So the next time I feel the urge to rip the video game controller out of my son’s hand, I’ll try to picture Karen’s look of horror and take a deep breath instead.