Not OK

Quarantine. This is when all the things I said were most important get tested. When I find out if I’m really heading toward the person I want to become or just full of shit. And I’m failing.

Every day, I get opportunities to practice doing the hard things: Having difficult conversations, setting boundaries, being present, apologizing again. Over and over, I keep falling down and getting back up, but I’m so tired.

I don’t like the me I’m becoming in this pandemic. She’s grouchy and lazy. She still tries to do too much and then expects her family to deal with it. She is selfish.

Serious Question: How do you be such a wonderful mom and also keep your business from falling apart while also trying to homeschool and make sure your husband doesn’t murder you because he’s sitting 20 feet away from you as you won’t SHUT UP on your damned Zoom calls all day? It breaks my heart, because I can’t hold all of these things right now.

And I’m constantly brushing my kids aside.

Or just lying there being exhausted.

And I’m one of the ones who has SO much privilege. My heart breaks for those that are hurting so much more.

Of course, I need to try to be gentle with myself. That’s what I’d tell my best friend if she told me all of this. But everything feel so urgent right now. I want them to know how loved they are. And also, I need cashflow.

Am I becoming one of those people? Who don’t have time for their kids?

I don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel this time. At least not today.

All around the world, we are hurting. Practicing this pain is my most important practice.

It doesn’t have to be OK right now.