An Uninsightful Post

It’s been well over a year since I’ve posted. Before that it had been 3 years.

I feel a nudge to write again. This time it’s different.

It’s not really FOR anything. I’m simply letting it happen. My shoulders feel loose. My mind feels clear. I feel ready for… I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT.

What a strange way to live a life. So different from everything I’ve done before. Only responding to the present moment. Flowing with what is here.

There’s so much activity in my house right now. Guitar playing. Tantrum with kicking next door. Computer gaming with pals. I feel my body respond and I let it all move through me. But there’s no action that wants to be taken other than to keep typing. This is not always the case. Sometimes action arises. I’ll move closer to the guitar player, sit with the tantrumer, or tell the gamer it’s time to wrap it up. But this time, only typing.

But ALL of it is felt.

A tightness in my throat. Some vibration in my chest. My belly does a little clench.

It’s always moving. Always changing.

It was always like this. Even back when I was writing navel-gazing posts about trying to be more and better and purer. But then, my attention was always and only on the thoughts. And the thoughts take me on a wild ride. The thoughts are still here - there’s no need for them to leave. But I see them for what they are.

Now a thought comes that asks, “I wonder if I’ll still be able to write?” Certainly, I can’t just have post after post like this one. It’s gotta “go somewhere.” I’ve gotta “be insightful.”

Those thoughts are fine. Today I showed up to write and it came out like this. Tomorrow I may or may not show up to write and, if I do, it may come out completely different. THAT’S the adventure of it all! I have a front-row seat to a show that’s unfolding before me. Nowhere to get to, yet endless possibilities to explore.