The Gift I No Longer Need

I heard a podcast today that was about addiction and how it is caused by trauma from childhood. As I was listening, I was connecting what I heard to all kinds of experiences with friends and family members who have observable addictions - to food, alcohol, gambling. This made sense to me and sounded familiar. But then I heard a totally new idea...

What if, instead of the addicted person hating those behavior patterns that are holding them back, they THANKED them for providing the coping mechanism they needed to get through that part of their life and then released them as strategies they no longer need.

In an instant, this translated to:

What if, instead of hating the behavior patterns that are holding me back, I thanked them for providing the coping mechanisms I needed to get through that part of my life and released them as strategies I no longer need.

What if, indeed.

For me, my coping strategy has always been people-pleasing, not an addiction (It's not an addiction, right?). It's how I have succeeded since I was a tiny girl. I was good. I was well-behaved. I didn't cause anyone stress or inconvenience. I was helpful. I worked hard. I smiled a lot. And as a result, I was the apple of my parents' eyes, was well-liked by adults and peers, and excelled in school - and really, what else do you need to accomplish as a child? Because this was reinforced again and again as the years went by, my people-pleasing became my most-practiced habit and has continued into my adult years.

My thirties have been kind of a big deal for me - a slow awakening to all of the ways I haven't been paying attention. In some ways, that's been freeing. In other ways, it's been very disorienting and borderline terrifying. Coming to terms with the "character traits" that are no longer serving me has been a tough pill to swallow. But I feel like I can see clearly to the other side of what my life could look like without them and there's no turning back.

So now the trick is figuring out how to get there in a way that pays respect to who I am and the people I love, while allowing me to be fully, authentically me. And honestly, I haven't really figured it out yet. But this idea of "thanking and letting go" resonates with me, so I'll start there.

Sweet girl...it's ok. Do you have any idea how loved you are?

I know they beamed when you got into the spelling bee and made the Principal's list and got the report card that said you were a good girl who never got into trouble. But it wasn't about you...not really. They were just relieved they didn't screw you up. And maybe even a little prideful about it; taking credit for the small human they had shaped into a model of conformity. They valued that conformity above everything else and you rose to the challenge. No one could have asked for more.

And even though it was painful, your hard work paid off, dear one. That drive to make others happy meant you perfected the ability to notice what others wanted and it brought me so many opportunities I wouldn't have otherwise had, like gifted education and leading roles and free college and job promotions. Those opportunities changed my life. Besides that, this ability to notice how others are feeling and wanting is a goddamned superpower and Girl, you built that for me. How can I ever thank you enough?

I know it was exhausting to keep trying to make everything okay all the time, especially when you're so good at the noticing. Sometimes it's just not okay. But you did your job well. You took on the burden of making everything okay for a really long time so that I could be right here in this life of absolute privilege with the ability to self-therapize enough to write this blog.

I know you will understand when I tell you that I need to take my gift for noticing and leave behind the people-pleasing. I have bigger places to go now and I can't take it with me. But I wouldn't have ever had the chance to get here if it hadn't been for you. Your sacrifices have paved the way for who I will become.

I love you. There's honestly nothing to forgive.