I Posted This at 11:46 PM

Yep. I've actually procrastinated writing this post. Two days ago, I had a thought that I would start writing. And then yesterday I really REALLY was going to at least get some ideas down. And now here I am at 10:14pm on the day I need to post this, putting my ideas together for the first time. (Of course, not before a quick episode of The Americans.)

I hate it so much. First, I have the tiny feeling of hope that this time will be different, followed almost immediately by the deep-down knowledge that it won't be. I will never be able to summarize exactly what it feels like to be a hard-core procrastinator better than Tim Urban does again and again.) so I won't even try. He might as well have inserted my name throughout these posts. (Seriously, when I read them, I almost cried because I honestly thought I was the only one who was this broken.)

But I'm not here to wallow in all that. I'm here to greet this habit of mine with a spirit of openness and curiosity. I'm weirdly imagining a little green alien with long fingers, picking up my procrastination and turning it over slowly in her hands, head tilted. No judgement. No emotions. Just pure curiosity. Hell, let's call her Vicky.

What is this made of?

How did it get here?

What is it for?

I don't remember the first time I procrastinated (and I honestly don't think it's relevant), but I got reaalllllly good at it. I'm a successful procrastinator who frequently manages to do high-quality work in spite of putting it off until the last second. Procrastination has become a tool to avoid feeling discomfort in the immediate moment. A tool. Something helpful and useful; chosen to perform a very specific job. Hard stuff looms, and instead of taking a deep breath and using the award-winning tool, "START NOW," I pull a worn and tattered procrastination out of the toolbox, once again. And dammit if it doesn't work every time. It soothes. The discomfort melts away into the warm hug of a quick errand or "important" email. Does the "START NOW" tool produce better long-term results? Without question. But the shapes of my fingers are worn into procrastination's soft, comfortable patina.  It's my go-to. And ugh...I just do not want to deal with learning how to use a new tool right now.

I need to be able to notice. I can't choose a different tool if I choose procrastination without even noticing it. So I need to grow this ability of noticing when I'm feeling the familiar discomfort (or noticing when I've started to procrastinate) so I can do something different. I've started a regular mindfulness meditation practice and continuing this practice is more crucial than ever.

I need to raise the stakes. The Panic Monster is very real for me, but I've always seen him as the enemy. Only very recently have I begun to use him as a tool. When I schedule that speaking engagement, funny how the talk gets written. When I send out an email to my clients letting them know about a valuable article that's coming their way, strange how I can find the time to work on it. Using this as a tool isn't shameful or weak, it's smart.

I need to reflect. This blog is all about intentional reflection; the kind that goes beyond quickly musing, "Huh, I wonder what that's all about?" I suspect that if I track what's going on with me and my work habits, I'll be able to uncover some new information that will help me kick the habit.

So with those thoughts, I introduce...

Challenge #1

For 1 week, keep a tracking sheet of procrastination-related activities. Log the task at hand, what happened, how I felt, how long I worked (or didn't), and any other pertinent data. Reflect on the findings in next week's post. Oh, and keep meditating daily.

I'll be back next week to let you know what I learned. In the meantime, Vicky and I have some shit to do.