Why I'm Not Sad About Being *Almost* 40
It's almost my birthday, and then I'll have just one year left of my thirties. It doesn't make me sad or wistful or any of those things that people say about turning forty. Who knows, maybe I'll feel differently in a year.
Right now, the only thing it makes me feel is more strength and hope than ever before.
Strength, because when I look back, I can see so clearly how much I've grown during this decade. I've learned how to...
- leap into scary things without having all the answers
- comfort grieving friends by holding space for them without making it about me
- notice when I've been triggered and the strategies for managing that
- plan my life in a way that helps me stay focused on what I value
- stand in the face of a screaming child and choose to respond with love
- be a salesperson in a way that feels generous instead of compromising
- use writing as my secret tool for discovering my own truths
- put down many deeply-ingrained beliefs and habits that weren't working for me
- ask for help and rely on the wisdom of others
- tolerate and be gentle with my own messiness without freaking out
And honestly, these are just scratching the surface. I gestated and birthed TWO freaking babies and kept them alive WITH FOOD FROM MY BODY, people. I mean really. You couldn't pay me enough to go back to that weakling 29-year-old I used to be.
The hope part, by now, should be pretty obvious. If all of the above was possible in my 30s, without even really trying or knowing where I was going, just think of how amazing the next decade will be. Gah! It's making me teary to think about 49-year-old me writing this same type or reflection 10ish years from now. Here's some of what I hope she'll say...
I've learned how to...
- add playfulness and spontaneity to every day
- give kids the freedom to be independent and make mistakes while still maintaining a trusting and authentic relationship
- find new levels of trust and fulfillment from a marriage
- grow an inspiring and profitable business
- have difficult conversations when I first know they need to be had
- overcome creative avoidance (most of the time)
- speak up loudly when I see something isn't right
- ask for what I need even if it might be inconvenient for others
- truly and deeply love and forgive myself...for everything.
I guess this is why we need a whole lifetime; it takes a long time for all the little bits of beauty to unfold, bit-by-bit. Each year for me has been the foundation for the next one, but it's hard to notice when you're in the middle of it. Now that I am getting clearer and clearer on my purpose, passion and values, I have a feeling my growth will be even more accelerated than before. There will surely be struggles and setbacks like aging parents and hormonal pre-teens, but with each passing year I have more strategies for creatively approaching those situations with strength and love.
But in the meantime, here's to 39 and the gift of one final year to add who-knows-what to this decade of learnings. And a lot can happen in a year.