Using the Eyes to Command the Heart

I was talking with a friend this week about motherhood. She has three sons, the youngest of which is 17. They're close. It all turned out well. I wanted to know how she did it. How do you keep their trust and foster independence all at the same time? How do you make sure they're equipped to step out into the world.

Her answer? "Every time you look at them, make sure your gaze says, 'You are perfect.'"

I love how the tiniest comment can change everything. There is something about the physicality of this idea that makes it so practical. It's not just "staying mindful of your thoughts" or "remembering your love for them," it's physically communicating unconditional acceptance with your eyes. The eyes are the window to the soul, but I've always focused on the soul first and then hoped my body would follow suit. I'm finding it's far more effective to focus on the outward communication (my eyes) and let that remind my soul of what it already knows is true. The truth is that when I'm triggered by their behavior, in that moment, I don't see them as perfect. It's hard to feel generous in the heat of the moment. And my eyes betray me. But I can focus on telling my eyes to behave (even if I have to fake it at first), and eventually, my heart catches up too.

This got me thinking about how I might use this with other relationships in my life. My hunch is that if I can define the "message" I'd like my eyes to communicate with that person, I can better get that message across.

For that strained relationship, it's "You matter to me."

For my husband it's, "I admire and cherish you."

For my parents it's, "I still need you."

And I'm sure the messages change as the needs of each relationship change. But I can see how setting my intention before an interaction to remind my eyes of their job, can help me show up in my relationships the way I intend to, deep-down.