What if Finding "Good Enough" is the Key to Doing Your Best?
I've sort of beat up the topic of perfectionism in this blog, but yesterday someone asked me a question about it that got my mind whirring. He was asking me about how I define "perfect" when I'm working on a project. It makes no sense that I've never thought to answer that question for myself, but I haven't.
And here's my hypothesis: "If, upon starting a new project or task, I defined exactly what 'good enough' looked like and set a clear due date, I wouldn't be a perfectionist about that project or task."
It's science.
So let's try this one on for size for a typical anxiety-ridden, perfectionism-inducing, shame-triggering scenario for me...
Father's Day
The usual deal with holidays like Father's Day is that I begin getting anxious about it about 3 weeks prior to the event. I have a non-specific dream about how each of the fathers in my life will feel super-loved and super-appreciated, but I'm already worrying about the logistics of how it will all go down. There are 3 dads plus my husband to celebrate each year, and so the scheduling of togetherness in the most appropriate mode for each dad is the first puzzle to figure out. Oh, and my husband is an introvert, so his idea of a perfect celebration is quiet time home alone. And then second, I have to figure out what mind-blowingly thoughtful gift or gesture I will give to each of them. And as each week passes by I become more and more stressed about the whole thing. And it all tends to come together at the last minute and is never quite good enough in my own head. It's an awful, vicious cycle...and really pretty silly.
And this year, here's what good enough will look like (the due date is obvious):
- A low-key event for each dad consisting of a meal at a restaurant, takeout at our place, or a no-frills homemade meal
- A store-bought greeting card for each dad with a personal sentiment written inside
- A SIMPLE kid-made card or art piece for each dad
- A gift card and/or fancy adult beverage for each dad, with a bow on top
- My very best attempt at being fully-present on the day of each celebration, including the best hug I can produce
This makes me feel better just writing it down. And as I look at it, it's totally good enough. If the point is for them to feel loved and appreciated, I think they'll get the message. If I can do more, cool. But at least I'll know when it's OK to call it "done." Normally, I'd never get so specific with what the end-goal would look like for such a no-brainer "project." But maybe it's not such a no-brainer after all. It's been sucking away tiny bits of my energy and attention for years as I pursue some version of perfect that I've never really thought through enough to define.
How many little things are there like this in our lives that make us feel that mild buzz of anxiety (or more!) and feel like they never quite turn out the way we'd non-specifically hoped? They're things we've done over and over, so we kind of feel like "we've got it" but because we've never really put our attention to doing it with focus and intention, it feels messy or even burdensome instead of joyful. Joyful! Planning something like Father's Day could be JOYFUL!
And what a freaking metaphor for LIFE, man. So many of us have spent our lives dreaming of being ambiguously "happy" or "fulfilled" or "successful" without ever sitting down to clearly define what "good enough" would look like. Maybe "good enough" feels like a cop-out. Like it's somehow antithetical to "being the best you can be." Wouldn't it be better to clearly know what the "good enough" you're headed towards looks like, in vivid detail, so you can have an actionable plan to get there, instead of feeling low-level shitty all the time because you always feel like you need to be better and better...never really reaching that beautiful place at the end of the rainbow?
Maybe in the pursuit of "good enough," we uncover the clarity needed to surpass it. And even if we don't...it's still good enough.