Your Old Tools Won't Last Forever
We're born with our human instincts...and that's about it. We show up naked and hungry and are (hopefully) quickly scooped up in a warm and loving embrace, ready to begin learning the ropes of this new life. For the next few months, everything we do is an act of survival.
We Start With One Tool
We cry because we're hungry. We cry because we're wet and poopy. We cry because we need a snuggle. We cry because we have gas. We are driven to stay alive, so being really freaking loud is the only tool we've got to accomplish our goal. And we use it well...for a realllly long time.
Then, sometime around 3 months, we start trying to imitate all of those faces around us. And when we crack our first smile, we're met with unmatched energy and even more smiles beaming back at us. "Well, that was pretty awesome. I think I'll do that again" we think. And so we do. And soon enough, smiling too becomes a tool. A smile to get some attention. A smile to be forgiven. A smile to get the last half of the cookie. So now, when we want Mommy to notice us, we have some options: We can cry or we can smile. And as we try those two tools in different circumstances, we gain on-the-job training in which one is best for which situation. We don't throw out crying, but now we can be more strategic about how we use that particular tool.
Then we start accumulating new tools at an alarming rate...
- Tantrums
- Peek-a-boo
- Intentionally getting our limbs stuck in the crib
- Hand signals
- Banging on things
The list goes on and on as we add one tool after another. Each one that's added to the toolbox makes us a bit better at accomplishing the simple goals of tiny humans. Pretty soon, we have a giant toolbox full of awesome tools that we actually know how to use, and we can make some really cool stuff, like friends and laughter and connection.
But at some point in the midst of all of this learning, the tool game gets a bit more sophisticated. Some of our best-loved tools stop working the way they used to. Now, instead of giving us the playful attention we seek, throwing our cup off our tray gives us nothing but frowns and stern words. Well, that's new. And disheartening.
At this point, our little baby selves have a choice: Keep using the old and familiar tool, despite the fact that it's repeatedly not giving us the results we want or replace it with something more...modern. And effective.
You Can't Throw a Hunger Tantrum at 40
This continuous upgrading and replacing of tools is not just a phenomenon of the early childhood years. Ideally, it stretches throughout our entire lives. As we encounter new experiences and respond to them, we're constantly growing and overhauling our toolbox, based on the feedback we get. And you'd think we'd all just pitch the ones that don't work anymore. But no. We hold onto old tools that aren't working anymore; The perfectionism that got us straight A's as a child has turned us into an anxiety-ridden procrastinator. The people-pleasing that won us friends in childhood now makes us feel like a fraud. Those tools were fine for their time, but today they're not getting us what we need. But we can't let go.
The worst part is that there may already be a better tool just sitting there on the shelf waiting for use to try it out: Speaking out against the crowd, saying "no," using exercise as a stress reliever. But new tools are scary with all their sharp points and it can feel like the rational choice to just stick with what we know. We can let those "better" tools sit in the box for our whole lives, if we choose. And some of us do just that. It's a damned shame.
The Best Tools Are Hand-Me-Downs
So as I come back around to where we started, with the tools of childhood, I can't help but think about my own children and how helping them to upgrade their tools is one of the most essential parts of my job as their mom. This might mean enforcing rules for acceptable dinnertime behavior once eating with your hands is no longer "cute" or modeling how to be a good loser once the age of post-loss moping acceptability passes. Whatever it is, it's my job to help them notice when a tool they're using isn't working for them anymore (Or won't work for them in the future) and to explicitly show them better options. It's a weighty responsibility, and I'm so incredibly grateful to have it.