Parenting: It's Not a Spectator Sport
Parenting is hard.
Parenting in front of your in-laws is harder.
This week I attended a 4-day out-of-town family reunion with my two little ones. With my husband's family. Without my husband. And while you may be cringing right now, it really was mostly wonderful. (And also very exhausting.) But during these days of fun, I had a troubling realization about the way I was "disciplining" my son: I was making it all about me.
I have to preface this tale by saying that my 5-year-old son is a bit...erm...strong-willed. He has specific ideas about how things should be done, including timing and velocity, and does not hesitate to make those ideas known. Nor does he give in easily to the ideas of others. I swear he is here to make me a better human through constantly testing my abilities to stay patient, kind, and not freak the fuck out.
I deeply believe in the "peaceful parenting" approach and do my best to set firm boundaries and limits with love and empathy. I don't always pull it off well, but it feels "righter" than any other strategy I've tried. Most of all, it feels like me. Here's how peaceful parenting plays out when he's being a shit:
- Rather than yelling at him, shaming him, or doling out a punishment, I stop him, get down on his level and kindly give the limit (e.g.,"It's not OK to pour Minion slime all over that fluffy hotel towel.")
- I then give him another option (e.g., "You may pour Minion slime in the bathtub with the drain closed.")
- I hope for the best.
- Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't. When it doesn't, I enforce the limit (Which is different than giving an arbitrary consequence) and explain why. (e.g., I put the slime away while kindly saying, "You broke the rule - I don't want the hotel to make me have to pay money to replace their towels.")
- Sometimes he gets that and sometimes he throws a freaking fit. And when he does, I let him, as long as it's not interfering with anyone else. He's not "in trouble" for being unreasonably mad or infuriatingly mopey. He gets to feel all the feels.
But guess what, guys? 99.7% of in-laws don't believe in parenting that way. Look it up. They think I should "nip that behavior in the bud" or threaten him with some ridiculous consequence like "I'm gonna call your dad" (Seriously...this was said to my child by a 3rd-party observer.) And the fact is, I wasn't parented this way either! I was taught to be obedient and a "good girl" and not to question elders. So it's kind of weird for me too. Besides, it'd be way easier to take away his iPad for a week...that'd get compliance real quick. But I'm not going for creating compliance here. I'm going for creating a wonderfully thoughtful and caring and GOOD future man. One who has his own ideas and feelings and isn't afraid of sharing them. KIND OF LIKE THE PERSON HE ALREADY IS. So yes, I need to set limits because you don't get to just be a dick and do whatever you want, but there's a way to set limits in a way that respects him as a human.
As I said earlier, all of the above beliefs are ones I hold strongly. And yet, when I was in the midst of my in-laws, I found myself resorting back to those old intimidation tactics. I threatened. I bribed. I gave the scary mean face and pointed my finger a lot. And it wasn't because he was doing anything different than usual. It was because I was managing the opinions my onlookers. I didn't want them to think I was weak or being "walked all over" or that I couldn't handle parenting without my husband at my side. I totally changed the way I parented when I was in front of family because I was ashamed at how my son's behavior would reflect upon me. And I feel really awful about it.
I know I'll have a lot more practice with this in the future, so it's not as if all is lost, but I wish I'd have done better. I wish I'd have stayed true to what I believe, even in the face of probable judgement and internal "tsk-ing." My son is a sensitive soul and deserves to be treated with the same level of kindness and respect I would give to a subordinate who screwed something up at work. The silver lining is that, because of my daily writing, I was able to notice this mid-way through my trip and start making corrections. And it got better. By the end of the trip, I noticed that my son and I were more connected than we had been in a long time. I was seeing him as the imperfectly perfect person he truly was, not a naughty little pest who needed to be fixed.
It's so easy to let our egos get in the way of our best parenting choices. Each of our cultures teach us what "strong parenting" should look like and it can be downright painful to act differently. I've found that if I can remember my "why" for disciplining my child in the first place (Which, ideally, should not be so other people think I'm awesome.), it helps me to show up for my son in the way that aligns to my values. Then he gets to be as messy and complicated as he truly is instead of learning to master the art of being the perfectly obedient child our family would prefer to show off.
You know...like his mama did.