What is WRONG With Him?

Photo by Hilary Halliwell from Pexels

When I was working in one of my corporate jobs, there was this guy who really bugged me. I am an easy-going person and can get along with just about anyone, but this person seemed to know the secret code to drive me nuts. He would sign up to lead big projects and then fail to complete them. He would ignore requests for status updates, forcing me to corner him in his office. But the hardest part for me was his pattern of not apologizing or making amends for any of this. He simply wouldn’t take responsibility for dropping the ball.

People who are difficult for us can teach us a lot and this person is yet another example of a mistake I so often make - Thinking other people are driven by the same things as I am. As I reflect without the emotion of years ago, I can see that my colleague gave me lots of clues about what he may have been motivated by. He seemed to be willing to sacrifice everything to gain power and esteem, often at the expense of building connection and trust. This is basically the opposite of what motivates me. I couldn’t stand it.

Here’s a pattern I’m beginning to see…

Although we are all humans and share the basic human needs & desires, once you get beyond those basics, most people are not driven by the same things as you. Furthermore, in MANY cases, those motivators are not even close.

And yet, many of us go about our lives operating as if everyone else thinks like us and we’re SHOCKED AND APPALLED when they do something that we wouldn’t do.

Dude. You don’t even know me.

I find this idea both relieving and frustrating. Relieving because it seems like a potential secret key to eventually being more OK with the way things are. The way my fellow humans are. The way I am. It’s frustrating because DAMMIT we all look like humans and it’s so easy to forget those differences that lie within.

Ironically, as a person who is fascinated with the differences between people and has a high degree of empathy, I’ve realized that I am quite adept at tuning into what the other person needs and am picking up on those signals all the time. You’d think this would mean I have things under control. I do not.

The really hard part of all of this is not just noticing and reacting to the unique motivations of our fellow humans. Rather, it’s the acceptance of those differences, when they’re hard for us to swallow. I’m not saying we should accept when our coworker is doing legitimately shitty things. We shouldn’t. But what if we accepted that our coworker is motivated by something totally different that we are and that that is ok? Rather than judging, being annoyed, constantly feeling uncomfortable, we could use this knowledge of our differences to work better together in the future.

I’m still figuring out how to do this myself, but it seems like a path that will lead to a happier and more connected life. Sounds good to me.