Project-Planning for Better Relationships
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I am good at project-planning. It’s something I have to do for work all the time and I have it basically down to a science. When a big mess or challenge comes up, I know I need to crate some measurable goals, chunk them down to manageable bits with deadlines, and get started. It comes so naturally to approach professional problems in this way, and yet…
Why don’t I take a project-based approach to my personal life?
It makes no sense. It’s like I have two modes of behaving:
Work me - Organized, systematic, thoughtful in how I go about everything
Personal me - Haphazard, hoping for the best, always running behind or not getting to what matters
As it turns out, it’s tough to get things done when you’re just half-assedly approaching what you want for your personal life. And so, as a result, I’ve been feeling like I’ve stalled out (or even gone backwards) in many of my personal projects and relationships over the last couple of years, despite making great progress professionally and internally. It’s a troubling pattern that I need to address before it gets worse.
And so as I begin to take a more project-based approach to all aspects of my life, I know that the first step is always to define the desired end state. Right now, I have two projects in mind that are of deep importance to me. I’ve never thought of them as projects before, but they are. And it’s time to start treating them that way.
Project 1 - Have an Amazing Marriage
The Current Situation
My husband and I have been married for fifteen years. A LOT happens in fifteen years. We each have grown and evolved tremendously and adding kids to the mix has, as expected, changed everything. But we’ve settled into a comfortable autopilot with each other. The loud tiny people in our home and our respective careers, both in extremely exciting and demanding phases, have become our main day-to-day focus. It’s fine, but it’s not. There are unresolved issues lying beneath the surface, and my heart’s desire is to re-kindle the passion and connection we had so many years ago.
The Measurable Goal
By December 31, 2019, we will have clearly defined and fully-implemented a regular rhythm of daily, weekly, quarterly, and annual connections with one another that regularly get us talking about and working on the things that matter so we can move closer towards the kind of marriage we both want.
Project 2 - Deepen Relationships with Our Larger Family
The Current Situation
We are blessed with a big extended family - many of whom live fairly close-by. So while it’s technically possible to spend lots of time with many of them, it also feels a bit overwhelming to make it happen in real life for many reasons. The frequency of our time together has dwindled due to all of the busy-ness of life plus a certain discomfort of going deep with these people we love but with whom we no longer share many of the same worldviews. The whole situation just feels “off.” I want to feel more connected to our collective parents, siblings, nieces and nephews.
The Measurable Goal
By December 31, 2019, we will have identified and be regularly following through with the appropriate “communication pulse” with our parents, siblings and nieces/nephews.
Summary
It’s funny…both of these projects come down to having conversations. They’re about going headfirst into the messiest parts of life that I’ve been avoiding over the years as I’ve been working to master the parts of life that I can more easily control: My career, my health, my spiritual growth, my Kon-Mari’d closets. But ultimately, my relationships with my loved ones are the most important things I have. Although I can’t have the same level of control I can have over the other projects in my life, I can invest the same level of intention.
High intention, low attachment.
Surrender.
Leap.
I realize that neither of the measurable goals I’ve outlined here promise a perfect or even a happy outcome. But both, when achieved, will result in a shift in the current state. In forward movement. This forward movement will cause changes that I can’t foresee today; ones that I can’t fully control and that scare me. All I can do is try my best to bring my actions into alignment with who I want to be as a wife, daughter, sister, and aunt and to do it with love and generosity. That’s enough for now.