Loving My Smaller Self

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I hate that thing where you see someone accomplishing the thing you want to accomplish. Having the thing you want to have. And rather than feeling joy or happiness for them, it’s personally troubling. For me, it doesn’t manifest as bad feelings about the accomplisher. When I’m in that place, I feel deeply unworthy.

Today, I felt that thing.

There’s a guy. An incredibly kind and driven guy. And he set out to do exactly what I’m doing about six months ago. And today, the internet told me that he’s winning. He’s figured out the sticky parts. Or maybe just been willing to feel the discomfort at a greater speed than I am. Whatever the reason, it’s working, and his business is thriving. He’s clearly got it all figured out.

I’m grateful that I’ve practiced the art of slowing down my thinking and all of the reactions that come in a moment like this, but even with this practice, it’s amazing to me how lizardy my brain can still be. Even after all of the self-reflection and therapy and Seth school, I’m still just an envious human.

Here’s my inner dialogue in such a moment:

• Wait, what is that?

• He’s doing that?

• How is he doing that?

• Ugh. He’s so much better/smarter/[insert adjective] than me

• Why am I such an idiot? Why can’t I figure this out?

• Shit. I’ll probably never figure it out.

This, for me, is followed by a low-level feeling of being unwell. Minor dread. What am I dreading? I don’t know, but something is definitely wrong and the unspecific-ness of it makes the feeling even more uncomfortable than the run-of-the-mill icky feelings. If I give it my attention, I can work with it and be ok, but in my less wise moments, it can ruin an otherwise perfect evening with my family.

I’m so embarrassed to write all of this down. My lizard brain is telling me to stay small and get back into my comfort zone. That’s right. You’ll never figure it out.

And my initial reaction to that is anger. My gut reaction is to hate this part of me. Damn her and her weakness. Her humanness. I’ve made such progress because I now notice when I’m having these thoughts. I can even breathe deeply and reflect.

But I’m working on a new thing.

Not just notice.

Not just breathe

Not just reflect.

LOVE.

What if I loved her? That scared little girl in me that’s afraid she’ll never quite measure up - she’s trying to overcome a lifetime of habits that can’t be changed overnight. May never change. Couldn’t she still be lovable too?

Sure, she triggers me. The “better” me. But could she be my greatest teacher, if I let her? Instead of resisting, I could hold her in my arms and welcome her fear and her self-judgement and her smallness and tell her she can come as she is.

What would be possible if I could truly shift my thinking in this way? Loving all of me, mess and all.